I intend to get homeless drunk
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
