My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
