my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
