saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
