I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
