how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
