Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
