Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
