my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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