Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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