So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
