We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
