Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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