yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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