Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
