Where is the hickey?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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