You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
