And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
