Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
