just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
