He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're earring is so big in my mouth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
