I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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