I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
