If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
