You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
