So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
