i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
