Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
