I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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