Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
