If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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