Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
