Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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