i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
