I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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