Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I looked at my own cervix.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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