I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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