I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
