im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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