shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My liver just broke up with me...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
