god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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