My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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