u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
