Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Randomize
