I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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