you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
