Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
