Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
