a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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