Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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